


Grieving and Growing

by acontradictorymess



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Also sorta to make up for being a creep in my other fic lol, Angst, Fluff, Gen, Grief, Kid Fic, Sirius Black as a Dad, Sirius Black grieving, Swearing, This Peter Pettigrew is better than canon, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25892683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acontradictorymess/pseuds/acontradictorymess
Summary: Sirius sat staring blankly at the green walls of his living room—walls which James and Lily had helped him paint a mere two months ago. They hadn’t used magic because Sirius had insisted it would be more fun that way. Which it had been.It honestly felt like the world had ended, but for some strange reason no one but him had got the memo. Well okay that wasn’t fair, Remus understood at least. But for the most part people kept carrying on and expected Sirius to keep going too. The thing that killed him the most was the amount of parties to celebrate the end of the dark lord. It felt like a slap in the face. All the fucking firecrackers.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter mention, James Potter/Sirius Black, Sirius Black was in love with James Potter fight me, Unrequited - Relationship
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know that much about babies either, so I will do my best to make this realistic/developmentally appropriate. Let me know if you have any suggestions though! Or if you find any typos, or if you have any thoughts on what should happen next!!

Sirius sat staring blankly at the green walls of his living room—walls which James and Lily had helped him paint a mere two months ago. They hadn’t used magic because Sirius had insisted it would be more fun that way. Which it had been. 

It honestly felt like the world had ended, but for some strange reason no one but him had got the memo. Well okay that wasn’t fair, Remus understood at least. But for the most part people kept carrying on and expected Sirius to keep going too. The thing that killed him the most was the amount of parties to celebrate the end of the dark lord. It felt like a slap in the face. All the fucking firecrackers. 

Sirius felt physically nauseous frequently. He had yet to cry which may be a part of the problem. His dreams were filled with James’s face going from laughing to pale and lifeless in seconds. He felt like he was just supposed to live without something that was an integral part of him, and everyone around him told him “you’ll be okay” when Sirius knew he would never be the same again. 

The one person who understood Sirius better than he himself did sometimes was gone. Their future gone. He would never hear James laugh again. People who went to school with them like Marlene McKinnon and Benjy Fenwick kept trying to act like they knew what it felt like. They didn’t know shit. Mary McDonald sobbing at the funeral made Sirius roll his eyes so hard. He had even looked around to see James’s face, and then he remembered, and had promptly left to be sick in the loo. 

The sound of Harry crying brought Sirius out of his dark thoughts. He ran down the hall of his flat to Harry’s bedroom. He picked him up carefully, putting him on chest. Harry’s little hand touched Sirius’s neck which made him smile. Sirius didn’t know that much about babies, but he was doing his best, and he loved Harry which is what mattered. Dumbledore was all about love so he had eventually agreed to give Harry to Sirius. 

They had been living together for two weeks now, and it was working alright. They had fallen into somewhat of a routine. For someone who was grieving the loss of two of his best friends and the love of his life, Sirius felt he was managing remarkably well. He changed Harry’s nappy, and headed out to his kitchen. 

He waved his wand, to chop up carrots and boil sweet potatoes while Harry watched eagerly from his high chair. He spoon fed Harry the mashed veggies, while talking to him. “Uncle Moony is coming over later today, so you won’t be stuck with just me, and we can go to the park again, would you like that?” Sirius asked him. 

“Mama?” 

Sirius sighed. He was used to this, it still hurt but it didn’t feel like a punch to the stomach anymore because Harry constantly said “mama” in response to things. 

“No Uncle Si remember, can you say Si Harry? Si?” He asked him for what felt like the millionth time. 

“Mama?” 

Sirius sighed again, “fine mama” Sirius gave in as he frequently did. He spooned more carrots and sweet potatoes into Harry’s mouth. 

“Uicee?” Harry asked him, swallowing his mouthful of mashed veggies. He couldn’t pronounce the “j” sound. Luckily, James had told Sirius all about this because he had found it so amusing (he found everything about Harry endlessly amusing). 

Sirius sighed again. Harry copied his sigh which startled a laugh out of Sirius. “What would I do without you huh?” Sirius asked him laughing. He summoned the Apple juice and Harry’s sippy cup. Harry made grabby hands, as Sirius poured the juice and handed it over. He ruffled Harry’s hair. Harry took a sip, and exclaimed “UUICEEEE” and smacked his lips making Sirius laugh again. 

“Shall we go watch Pooh bear then Harry?” He asked him. 

Harry just continued to suck down his juice. So Sirius removed his bib and picked him up. He put him on his hip and waved his wand to make the dishes and Harry’s bib start to wash themselves in the sink. Harry watched this avidly. Then Sirius went back to his couch holding Harry. He waved his wand and one of Harry’s favorite Pooh’s put itself in the VHS player. He put Harry next to him, pushing a pillow behind him. Harry continued to sip his juice while “There’s Rabbit, there’s Piglet, and there’s Owl, but most of all Winnie the Pooh” played. 

Sirius leaned back against the sofa and shut his eyes while the movie continued. 

About half an hour later there was a knock on the door. Must be Remus, he’s early Sirius thought, making sure Harry was still engaged in the movie before shuffling over to the door. He drew his wand just to be on the safe side (Dumbledore had warned him that there was a possibility of death eaters seeking to kill Harry for destroying their master). He looked through the peep hole. 

He saw straw colored hair, and his jaw clenched, and a wave of rage ran through his entire body. How dare he show up here after what he did?! 

“Sirius? Are you home?” Peter’s squeaky voice came through the door. 

Sirius was a Gryffindor, he was no coward but in this moment he did not want to face this bastard. He couldn’t bear to look at the man who took away the most important person in his life. Sirius looked over to see if Harry was still alright. He was still watching the movie. 

“Er Sirius...I know you don’t want to see me but I just wanted to tell you...I had to...that what people are saying, it isn’t true. I hope you’re listening to this. I would never betray Lily and James” Sirius felt numb. He unlocked the door and opened it. He pointed his wand at the short timid-looking man in front of him. 

“Not how Dumbledore tells it mate” he told him through clenched teeth, poking his wand into his chest hard, “he says you’re the reason they’re dead”, he jabbed his wand into his chest again. 

At that moment Harry began to cry. His show must have ended, Sirius thought absently. 

“Is that Harry?” Peter asked curiously trying to look over Sirius’s shoulder. 

“Don’t you dare” Sirius whispered at him in rage. He would have screamed it but that would have scared Harry. “I swear if you so much as take a step towards him I’ll kill you” 

Peter’s eyes were wide and he put his hands up. He even dropped his wand on the porch. Sirius swooped down and grabbed it. Then he walked backwards towards Harry, who was bawling by this point, wand still pointed at Peter who didn’t move. 

He picked Harry up and put him against his chest, rubbing his back soothingly. Harry slowly calmed down. Sirius continued to watch Peter who continued to stand in his doorway with his hands up. Once Harry was calmer, Sirius felt a little calmer too, and he made a decision. 

“Fine come in then, let’s hear it” he told him, not moving from his spot next to the sofa, wand still pointed at him, eyes narrowed. 

Peter slowly came in and shut the door behind him. “Er okay...well some of it is true” he said as he inched into the living room hands still up. “I joined the death eaters 7th year. Your brother inspired me actually. Sirius, I was blinded by the promise of power and fame. The way Reg talked about it...” he trailed off seeing the dark look on Sirius’s face. 

“Regulus was wrong and he got in too deep” Sirius said stiffly, he sat down on the sofa, lowering his wand but still keeping it out. Harry put his head on his shoulder closing his eyes. Peter stayed standing about six feet away, but he had dropped his hands. 

“Anyways, Voldemort did ask me to find Lily and James. I knew Lily and James were looking for a secret keeper, and James even asked me to do it, but I refused. Probably disappointed him too. Anyways, Remus was going to be their secret keeper. People thought it was me because it was supposed to be. But it didn’t matter because before they could even set that up properly, Lestrange tailed James and found the house and immediately called Voldemort...you know what happened next”. 

There was a long silence as Sirius tried to take this all in. 

“Fine say you really didn’t betray them, you still were a bloody death eater”

“I was but as soon as I realized what that really meant I wanted out, but I couldn’t get out without being killed. Please Sirius, you gotta believe me. I’ll even drink veritaserum to prove it to you” 

Sirius considered this. “James would have believed you” he told him quietly. Peter nodded slowly. 

“Fine say I believe you...now what? I really don’t trust you around Harry I don’t care what you say you still were a death eater”

“As long as you do believe me that’s all I really wanted” Peter told him seriously. Sirius nodded. “Okay”

“Right, thanks for listening mate and if you could tell Remus too that would be great” he began to walk back towards the door. 

“Wait why didn’t you try to tell us sooner?” Sirius called over. 

“Oh...I was detained...some of the death eaters seem to think it’s my fault Harry was able to destroy Voldemort some nonsense about if he had gotten to him when he was even younger or something...” he trailed off. 

Sirius felt a little sorry for Peter in that moment because he could only imagine what being “detained” for weeks by loyal death eaters looked like. 

“Sorry mate” Sirius told him honestly. 

Peter waved him off. “Anyways I’ll see you around then?”

“Yeah maybe” Sirius answered somewhat evasively. 

Peter nodded and managed a weak smile and then left. 

“What do you think about all that Harry? Think he’s telling the truth?” Sirius asked him softly looking down at him, he was asleep again on his shoulder, drooling slightly. Sirius smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I’m not sure where I’m going with this because it’s mostly just an exploration of grief. So I think I might just end it here for now. I might add more later though. Anyways thanks for reading!!

Later that day, found Sirius pushing Harry in a baby swing at the park while talking to Remus. 

“James did ask me to be their secret keeper that’s true” Remus was saying. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius asked him exasperatedly. 

“I’m sorry Sirius, I didn’t know who I could trust. I was scared of doing it to be honest because of well you know but James was sorta pushing it. You know how he could be...” he trailed off. 

Sirius felt a lump form in the back of his throat. He focused on Harry for a moment who was clenching and unclenching his little fingers around the swing handles. 

He cleared his throat “James never asked me...” he looked down at the ground for a second because he felt the closest he had been to tears since that day. He wondered how James would feel knowing he was taking care of his son if he didn’t even trust him to be their secret keeper. He sighed. 

“I’m sure he thought you were too busy or something” Remus tried to reassure him. 

Sirius doubted that but he didn’t say so instead he said “so did you agree?”

“No I hadn’t officially agreed to it before it happened. I figured James had gone with Peter after all because of what Dumbledore said. But I guess Peter’s story makes sense. The only part I don’t get is why James wouldn’t use his cloak so he couldn’t be tailed” Remus said softly. 

“Oh I know that. Dumbledore took it to do some tests on it or something, but James really wasn’t supposed to be leaving the house” Sirius told him. 

“Yeah but you know James, you can’t really keep him locked up. It was Halloween right? Maybe he tried to go buy some candy for the trick or treaters...”

Sirius really wanted to cry. James was just so good. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair. If one of them had to die, it should’ve been Sirius. Sirius was never as good as James. Sirius felt tears form in his eyes. Harry at that moment decided he was done with the swing and started to cry. Sometimes Sirius felt so in sync with him. He focused on getting Harry out of the swing, and he held his hand and let him waddle slowly with wide steps over to the play structure. Sirius continued to avoid eye contact with Remus, as they walked on the bark. 

Remus seemed to decide it was best to change the subject because he said “I saw a flyer for a mommy and me yoga class not too far from your neighborhood. Starting next Thursday, it’s donation based. Could be good for you and Harry to be around other people besides me” Remus told him. Sirius hummed noncommittally as he helped Harry climb the steps of the playground. A small girl with cornrow braids smiled at them as she climbed next to them on the steps. She was much quicker than them and Harry watched in wonder as she took off in a run across the ramp and down the slide. 

“You’ll be that fast one day too” Sirius reassured him as he helped him up the last step. They slowly crossed the bridge together. And then when Sirius put Harry on his lap to go down the slide together like they usually did, he started to cry and sorta push Sirius away. 

Remus chuckled from down below. “I think he wants to do it himself”. 

“I might cry” Sirius laughed “they grow up so fast. “Okay get ready to catch him down below, mate”

“I am” Remus called

Sirius slowly put Harry next to him and climbed out of the slide. “Ready Harry?” He asked him. He seemed excited so Sirius pushed him slightly to get him to go down the slide. Sirius made his way down, and found Harry looking very pleased with himself in Remus’s arms. As Remus picked Harry up, a woman with pink hair walked towards them. “You two make a really cute couple” she told them smiling. 

“Oh er we’re not together” Remus told her flushing. 

“Yeah we’re just friends” Sirius nodded feeling awkward. 

“Oh sorry I just assumed...” she shrugged and then walked away. 

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other and for some reason at the same moment they began to laugh really hard. There was something so bizarre and hilarious about the situation. Maybe they both just really needed to laugh because suddenly they were clutching their sides and wiping their streaming eyes and Harry was copying them with little toddler giggles which set them off even more, and it was a continuous loop of laughter. Finally it subsided. 

“Man I really needed that” Sirius said, wiping his eyes. “I don’t know the last time I laughed that hard...” he trailed off thinking of James. How hilarious James would have found this. He felt nauseous suddenly. How could he be feeling this happy when he wasn’t in the world anymore. It’s not like Sirius thought he needed to be miserable all the time but joyous? This soon? That just seemed fucked up. He swallowed hard. 

Remus was watching Sirius with a thoughtful look on his face and then like he had read his mind he said, “it’s okay to laugh still sometimes you know? It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him. It’s not disrespectful or anything. James would’ve wanted you to laugh. He would be horrified to think you stopped laughing.”

Sirius smiled in a pained sorta way. “Thanks mate, you’re right but it’s hard you know?”

“I know”. Harry was poking Remus’s face.

“Well I’m sure Harry needs a new nappy, and I need to make dinner. Do you wanna come over?”

“No you’re alright thanks mate, another night for sure though, I need to finish up this article I’m working on”

“Alright, well should I kiss you goodbye because you’re my lover and everything?” Sirius teased him laughing and taking Harry from him. Remus chuckled and pushed him lightly. “Oh sod off”. There was a beat where they just looked at each other. “Alright, I’ll see you later mate” Sirius said and set off with a wave.


End file.
